I started back up again at the hospital as a chaplain after taking the summer off to travel to MN. As I mentioned in an earlier post, back in May I wanted to quit because it felt too frustrating to be a beginner. I’m glad I came back though, because while it’s still hugely uncomfortable, I know I’m on my growing edge and that this is exactly the place where I’m supposed to use my gifts. So now I try to focus on letting myself surrender to the discomfort, while simultaneously giving myself lots of permission to mess up. These two mindset shifts have made it much easier to enjoy the thing that drew me to the work in the first place – the deep connections that IÂ get to form with people.
So, speaking of surrendering to discomfort, today gave me an opportunity to do just that. I went to visit a patient who was no longer able to verbally communicate. Visiting non-communicative patients is hard for me because it feels awkward to talk and talk and not receive any response. Funny how silence is so unnerving…. And since I’m not there to talk about myself and they can’t answer questions, it’s pretty much get in there, say hi, pray, then leave. It’s a different scenario if a friend or family member is with the non-communicative patient, because then I can just direct my questions at them.
Well, this time it turned out to be just me and the patient. I did my usual hello + prayer but just as I was getting ready to say goodbye, I had this keen desire to stay with her longer. But that terrified me because WHAT WOULD WE DO???
I decided to see if the feeling was mutual and upon asking her if she’d like me to stay with her a bit, she nodded her head yes. So I sat down next to her bed, took her hand and pondered what to do next. Then it dawned on me – I could sing to her! I posed my idea to her and was met with another head nod.
The idea of “Sarah the Singing Chaplain” might seem obvious to many of you given my love of singing, but I honestly never thought I’d do it in front of patients. I’m already nervous as it is and singing in front of strangers adds a whole additional layer of anxiety (will it sound good, will I remember the words, what if the song offends them, etc). I was committed though, so it was time to jump in the deep end of the pool.
I started with the first religious song that came to my mind which happened to be The Irish Blessing (dating all the way back to high school choir). It came out, but boy was it less-than-stellar. I forgot whole sections of words, ran out of breath in the middle of phrases and totally missed the high notes. But none of that seemed to matter as I locked eyes with her and saw the most beautiful smile break out on her face. It was the coolest thing – her whole body relaxed and you could just feel this deep sense of calm and peace in the room. It was so magical to achieve that level of deep connection through something other than conversation.
I sang for 30 minutes or so until I sensed that she might be tiring. It continued to be a very sub-par performance but for once my inner critic was unable to get the upper hand. I simply gave everything I had in that moment and trusted that that would be enough. And let me tell you, that is a HUGE step for me in the direction that I want to head, towards more self-love and less perfectionism.
I remain humbled by this opportunity and am curious as to how I’ll be stretched next time. I’d love to hear about the places in your life where the combination of passion and purpose have helped you step into your discomfort. Here’s to continued growth for all of us!
PS – Big shout out to my mother-in-law Joyce who encouraged me over and over to sing with the patients. I laughed off your suggestion time after time, but I think you planted a little seed that took root today. So thank you. xo
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