Have you noticed how during the pandemic there don’t seem to be any “good” options anymore? I definitely have. So much so, in fact, that I even coined a phrase for it last summer – “What’s my least worst option?” It’s obviously a play on the common question “What’s my best option?” but takes into account that all options suck right now and we’re simply trying to pick the one that causes us the least pain/risk/sadness/difficulty.
Yesterday was another one of those days when I found myself being forced to accept the “least worst option”. For those who may not be caught up on recent blog posts, I’ve been struggling since November to balance work and home life. These are the factors that have made it challenging:
- I’m high risk for COVID-19 due to my immune system issues
- I can’t take the risk of hiring anyone to help me with the housework (typically 15-20 hours/week in India)
- Nia (3rd grade) is still doing virtual school and needs constant assistance/monitoring
- We still have no news on the vaccine and are likely still months from getting it
- I have a full-time job that I’ve been doing remotely for a year now
- I feel exhausted all the time for no particular reason
Since the beginning of January, I’ve coped by burning through a couple hours of annual leave each day so that I could fulfill all of the above responsibilities. Unfortunately, I ran out of leave and part-time wasn’t an option with my position. That left me with three options:
- Cut back on sleep and find some way to meet all of my obligations.
- Hire a housekeeper to assist me and accept that there would be a higher exposure risk for getting COVID.
- Quit my job and focus on Nia and the housework.
This time, the “least worst option” that the Pandemic forced upon me was to quit my job many months ahead of when I would have liked to. For one of the first times in my life I accepted that I simply can’t do it all (something my 20-something self would never have done) and that I needed to prioritize my physical/mental health and family over work right now. I find it rather ironic that my last day of work ended up being International Women’s Day, a day of raising awareness for women’s equality, and instead I find myself joining the 3 million other women who have stepped away from their work as a result of COVID’s work/life challenges.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not bitter. There’s no way Nick could have stepped away from his work – it would have required us to leave India which would have caused even more disruption in our lives. I also acknowledge that I have the luxury of quitting – we will be just fine without my salary. Many other families who are struggling don’t have the option of having one partner stop working.
It’s hard to articulate the jumble of emotions right now. There’s sadness over the unfinished work projects and the amazing people I’m leaving behind, uncertainty about what is next for me and anger that there weren’t better options and I felt like my hand was forced. Conversely, there’s also a spark of curiosity and excitement showing up; a wondering about what might show up in this opening of space I’ve created for my last 18 months in India. I’ve never been one who’s struggled to find things to do, so I anticipate that once I get vaccinated and get my house functioning normally again, I could have a good 12 months to dig deep into something new. I cannot emphasize enough how weird it feels to be ending my work but not leaving post for a year plus!
And so I find myself, yet again, with an identity crisis. While this is a familiar place for me (my identity seems to get shaken up about every two years or so in this lifestyle), it’s still uncomfortable. I worry about how I will introduce myself, what I will say I’m doing with my time and how others will perceive my answers. I know I shouldn’t worry about that stupid stuff, but hey, I’m human. Hopefully once I find my new “thing”, all that unease will melt away. But in the meantime my only option is to sit with the discomfort.
As always, thanks for listening and witnessing my journey. I am grateful for you, my beloved blog readers.
